Saturday, September 14, 2013

Removing All Obstacles

"I'm going to hit you cold with something," STM said to me in mid-August, "I think we should clear our Fridays at least until Thanksgiving, and get after the To Do list. I think we should also put on the To Do list, some things that are fun. We aren't having enough fun in our lives."

STM is self-employed, and has been for fifteen years. At times this has really come in handy in terms of  flexibility, and at times it's been a giant pain-in-the-who-ha (i.e. the five years he worked in the basement when I had two not-in-school-yet kids).

Because I am highly driven by a To Do list and derive endless frustration from watching it grow, I agreed. Sad, but the "fun" part was really just a bone I threw him.

For three Fridays now, we've taken the "day" (really, it ends up being the hours between 10-2), and tried to mix a little business with pleasure. For pleasure, we've test driven a car, had lunch, and done a little shoe shopping.

As I've said, we are trying to pick out new carpet. I think we're both gun shy because the carpet we chose last time, has been such a disaster, we don't trust our choice. I've now made two trips to the carpet store with knowledgeable friend/interior designer, two by myself, and two with STM. We are all over the map. I keep coming back to something similar to what we already have, and STM wants anything but.

Part of me is so deeply invested in what we choose, it's ridiculous, and part of me is so ready to have the decision made and behind us, I'm ready to just say, "Have at it. Get whatever you want."

It's carpet.

That tension between what I want, in the small sense, and what I WANT in a global sense, is ever-present.

Before taking off to go carpet shopping with STM yesterday, I popped in on my support group that meets one Friday morning a month during the school year. We hadn't seen each other since June, and I was anxious to hear the updates. I gave mine very quickly before I had to leave, and talked about the tension between wanting to really enjoy these two years I do have, with Wil in school full time, and not piss them away with anxiety about them coming to an end. By the same token, I can't sit back on my laurels, there are things, big things, to attend to.

One reason I probably spend way too much time obsessing about the carpet, is that it's way easier to focus on that, than the decisions I really need to make, that really make a difference.

I'm doing a 21-day mediation and today's mantra was, Om Gum Ganapatayei Namaha, which is intended to remove all obstacles. I got up early today and relished in the fact that Wil had spent the night with my mom, so there was no bacon to fry, no Flicka to let out, no tapping, humming, singing, hyper start to my morning. I put my headphones on and settled deep into the meditation.

Om Gum Ganapatayei Namaha.

Om Gum Ganapatayei Namaha.

Om Gum Ganapatayei Namaha.

I was well on my way to repeating the mantra 108 times, when my phone rang. It was Wil. It was also 6:32 AM. He wanted to button down every detail of the day, and in fact, the weekend. Which mass did we want to go to? What time did we want to go to Burgerville? Could we take Mike to Mike's Drive-In and get a milkshake? Mike's name is Mike so we should take him to Mike's. What about his Halloween costume? When will it arrive? We ordered it online, so when will it be here?

I got all his questions answered, took another sip of my now not-so-hot coffee, and put the headphones back on.

Om Gum Ganapatayei Namaha.

Om Gum Ganapatayei Namaha.

Om Gum Ganapatayei Namaha.

Wil texted. He made plans to go to the park at 9:00. He'd see me at 10:00.

Om Gum Ganapatayei Namaha.

Wil texted again, maybe he'd be home closer to 11:00.

Om Gum Ganapatayei Namaha.

Wil texted again. What time was I coming over to get Flicka for a walk?

I took off the headphones and gave up on meditating. The meditation was keeping me from being present and Wil was keeping me from meditating.

Removing all obstacles.

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